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Here Are My Peeves September 17, 2010

Posted by Mitchell in Home.
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Yes, You May Pet Them

L.C. Aggie Sith put up a post about her pet peeves today. I’ve had this one sitting around for a while waiting for me to finish it, so I guess today is a good day to do it.

Ok, here are some things that annoy me, or that I’ve become tired of because of pop-cultural overuse to the point where they’ve become tedious clichés and/or that I Just Don’t Get.  I’ve narrowed it down to the typical Lettermanitarian Top Ten:

1.   Blade Runner is a really good movie.
No, it’s not. It’s long (and getting longer), slow (oh so slow), uninteresting box-office bomb of a film filled with uninspired actors and insipid performances. But, it has a dedicated core of fans who insist quite insistently that this is one of the greatest masterpieces of cinema. Somewhere there’s an alternate universe where Ridley Scott didn’t make the fatal mistake of feeding mega-doses of Valium to his cast before filming and perhaps that version of Bladerunner does not suck. Alas, this is not that universe and there is no editing room wizardry that Scott can pull off to make an unsuckable version in this space/time continuum. There are no less than SEVEN versions of this movie that have been released over the years since it came out in ’82. Dude. Let. It. Go.  Oh, and don’t get me started on the title. Blade? Runner?  He’s a cop, who kills (sorry, retires) artificial people.  I guess that doesn’t sound so cool though. In unrelated news I’m no longer a data analyst.  I’m a Scimitar Snorkeler.

2.   The Big Lebowski is a really good movie.
It’s about a lazy pothead and his beloved rug. Oh, and he likes bowling. Mostly though it’s just a stupid, pointless movie that a lot of people like to quote from for some reason. “The Dude abides” is the usual one. Plot-wise it has all the depth of a Three’s Company episode stretched over two hours. If you’ve somehow avoided the suckfest that is TBL but wondered what the big deal was it can be summed up in three words: rug, bowling, abiding. Bam! You now know everything there is to know about The Big Lebowski.

3. Anchorman is a really funny movie
Yeah, I know – this is one of the Ewok In Chief’s favorite movies, and I’ve tried to watch it twice. I can last about 30 minutes before I have to turn it off. I find absolutely nothing funny about this film. There is absolutely nothing funny about Will Farrell.

4.  Bacon is ZOMFG THE MOST AWESOMEST THING EVARRRR!
The complete, beyond-over-the-top love that people profess over this simple breakfast fare all over the interwebs has baffled me for years. Yeah, I understand that it’s tasty and it has that poke-in-the-health-nazi-eye appeal, but come on folks, really? The bacon flavored this, and the bacon flavored that that get endlessly linked and all the things made out of bacon. And of course, all the comments of people who want to have sexual intercourse with said baconized product. I dunno, it’s just too much. Don’t get me wrong, I like bacon, but it’s all too, too much. And to be honest, when I’m at a restaurant for breakfast I usually order sausage or ham as my breakfast pork of preference. Isn’t it time to fetishize something else now? How about kiwi fruit for a change?  ZOMFG THIS IS LIKE THE MOST HEALTHIEST FRUIT EVARRRRR! Yes? No?

5. Vampires in books, movies, TV shows.
OK. Can we be DONE with the vampire shit now? I am so sick and tired of vampires. Let’s move on to something, ANYTHING else. There has to be other monsters we can explore: Chupacabras or Mansquitos perhaps.

6. Zombies in anything
This is one of those I Do Not Get things. Can somebody please explain the fascination with this stuff?

7. Homophones:  Their, There, They’re / Too & To
Yeah I know, English is kind of a messed up language but still I don’t get the common confusion I see with these particular words. Surely if you have even just a basic literacy you MUST be aware of these words. And with that awareness comes along another awareness that there are real distinctions between them yes? When I was a kid learning how to read and write I became aware of these sneaky little landmines and I made damn certain I knew how to use them properly.

8. The whole “I hate clowns” thing.
In the Age Before Internets people who hated/feared clowns were pitied and rightfully regarded as odd. Now, anytime an image of a clown or even just a casual mention of the word in a forum invariably draws the “I hate clowns” people out of the woodwork and gets a chorus of “Oh, yeah I hate them too” people. No. This is wrong. Clowns are not scary or evil. Well, yes there was that Gacy dude, but come on! That was a long time ago. Get over it already!

9. Excessive amounts of Girl Power!!
I’ll probably catch some flak over this one, but I don’t care. Don’t get me wrong here though. I liked Buffy, and Xena and what’s-her-name from Firefly, and many of the other many, many girls & women who can beat the snot out of dozens of dudes twice their size without a scratch or even mussed up hair. But much like the whole bacon thing, it’s just too much. And the girls keep getting younger and smaller as in the recent movie Kick Ass. Can they get any younger and smaller? Hmm. Yes. I betcha there’s a live-action Powerpuff Girls movie in the works somewhere that will feature six year old girls beating the snot out of everyone. You read it here first.

10. People who don’t finish “Top 10” lists.
Seriously, how hard is it to come up with ten things? Lame.

Ok, I gotta go get some lunch and buy a gun. See y’all around!

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Comments

1. LC Aggie Sith - September 17, 2010

While I disagree on some of your points, I have to say you made me snort soda out through my nose with #5. What is it with chupacabras??? That shit scares the hell outta me!!!

Vampires, schmampires… 😉

2. Steamboat McGoo - September 17, 2010

Scimitar Snorkeler. 🙂

Ice cream.
Sinus cavity.
Assembly complete.

There needs to be a name – a proper noun, dammit! – for a post so fucking funny it fills sinus cavities with comestibles world-wide.

3. Mitchell - September 17, 2010

Glad y’all enjoyed my list! I uncork a good one way every now and then McGoo.

Steamboat McGoo - September 17, 2010

More than “every now and then”, dude! My blog is filled with years of your most-excellent humor, which is nicely twisted the way I likes it!

I’m afraid I’ll be using that scimitar snorkeler more than once. Its got some powerful silly-vibes.

4. Nicole - September 17, 2010

/agree with McGoo, minus the ice cream snorting (had no ice cream)

I didn’t find Anchorman funny, either.

It took me awhile to like The Big Lebowski. Once I realized it was pretty much a retelling of The Big Sleep I liked it much better.

5. LeeAnn - September 18, 2010

I weep to think how dramatically we differ on these. WEEP, I tell you! Well, except I’m right there with you on #7. Perhaps this will keep me off the rooftops at night but I kind of doubt it.

6. Mitchell - September 18, 2010

Sorry LeeAnn! I deliberately picked my most provocative peeves for this list so there’s that.

7. Laura - September 18, 2010

I think Fight Club and Pulp Fiction are two of the best movies. I love bacon, vampires, and zombie stuff- so you are wrong. Clowns are totally fucked up evil. So you are wrong again. HA!

Know what Will Ferrell movie I really enjoyed? Step Brothers. Not that you asked.

8. Mitchell - September 18, 2010

Fight Club and Pulp Fiction are good movies. It’s not that I don’t like bacon and the other stuff, it’s just that it’s too, too much. Complete over saturation.

As for clowns, I LOVED Bozo the Clown when I was a kid and I’ve always liked them. Come on! They’re fun and friendly! When the zombie/vampire/clown apocalypse comes I’ll be on the side of the clowns.

I’d probably hate Step Brothers too.

9. Laura - September 19, 2010

Well if you go into it with that attitude, CLOWN LOVER, you probably will.

Seriously, when you’re in a goofy mood, rent it. But you have to be in a goofball mood.

10. LC Aggie Sith - September 19, 2010

And one time at band camp, while watching The Big Lebowski, we were attacked by a zombie vampire clown who looked like Will Farrell, yelling “I WANT TOO EAT YOU’RE BRAIN WRAPPED IN BACON!!!”

WORST. DAY. EVAH!!!!

11. geoff - September 22, 2010

1. Blade Runner is a really good movie.

You won’t have time for pet peeves when you DIE IN A FIRE!!!

The rest of the list is spot-on, though.

12. Mitchell - September 23, 2010

I’ve been neglectful of my blog duties!

Sorry Laura, but I have a boycott on all things Will Ferrall.

LOLs Aggie!

Thanks Geoff! Except for the DIAF of course. 😀

13. mel - October 9, 2010

Well this is just crazy. I agree with all ten of these. Number 7 reminds me of how I hate incorrect placement of apostrophes. Like “Sale on Apple’s.” I bet you hate that, too, yes?

14. Mitchell - October 9, 2010

Huzzah Mel! We’re two of the few who have their heads screwed on right! Ah yes, the sad, misunderstood, and oft abused apostrophe – it’s as if most people live in a world where it exists simply to act as a glue to stick an “s” onto the end of another word. Sad to say I sometimes find myself doing it too because “hey, that’s the way we do things around here.” Then I beat myself with a stick and send me to my room without dinner.


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